I Think I'm Becoming Too Careful

(A Real-Time Unscripting)

Hey There…
If you wanna see me unscript things in real time. This post is for you!
This is me practicing what I preach.
Looking for my usual “well researched” articles. You’ll wanna skip this one!

I don't know if this is true, but I've been noticing the more I post on Substack, the more cautious I’m becoming.

I started fairly strongly with my views on Executive Dysfunction. It was probably the most direct I’d ever been in public and it was my first ever post here on substack.

Since then I’ve written multiple pieces; and things started to get a little chaotic in life.

I often find myself, thinking about others as I create content; I’m trying to find the thing that most aligns with the users experience, without punching down on the struggles…

After writing my trauma piece — things just kept getting difficult, there were more real life experiences that ended up slowly erroding subtly at what I do and how I wrote… what i said.

I started being more careful — trying to take care of everything around me; as I was already struggling reducing any risk of… saying the wrong thing.

It’s much safer to speak supportively, to share all the ways you can do something — to becoming risk averse to avoid possible offense to people.

I mean — since coming out — I’m having to get comfortable with offending people by my very existence. I shrug that off; and I didn’t think I cared.

But even just saying that — I was planning a trip to the cinema with my family, and my main priority was making sure I went to the bathroom before leaving the house.

I forgot — and it was launch day for the new Lilo & Stitch Movie, I needed the bathroom from the moment I got there — and yet I held out until I got home. (Yes nearly 2hrs later?)

Just so I didn’t accidentally upset/or offend people who just needed the bathroom.

So trying to avoid upsetting people — especially when I myself am going through stuff pushed the message I really wanted to talk about down.

I mean let’s be real after the trauma article, I wanted to talk about something different.

So I thought I’d try something different today. A real time Unscripting…

So to take my own medicine, I took myself through my field of affordances.

What feels emotionally loud right now? (Height)

Everything feels emotionally loud right now everything is important, and key and needing to be dealt with right here and right now! Here’s a little screenshot from my own journaling app (yes… that is me…)

Everything is important… and I need to do it all now otherwise… 🤷🏼‍♀️

What feels within reach—without pushing? (Width)

At that point in time, nothing was accessible. I just need to push, and push, and push and move faster 😅

If I let people down, there is the delightful rejection sensitivity that perks up and takes ahold, further reducing affordances. What then?

What can wait? What no longer has a clear horizon? (Depth)

Everything needs to wait, I had to pause, I couldn’t keep pushing. But also… nothing could wait. The height was so high but I couldn’t see the next step.

So… what did I do…

Usually this is where I give a magical conclusion — but this is in process. It’s one of those posts that’s as much for me as it is for you.

Which is weird… as an autistic individual, I often wonder, “What’s the point?” But then again, It’s important to recognise that sometimes things are just a little bit messy, things can get a little bit chaotic and right now that’s okay.

Sometimes there just isn’t a system that can solve things… but the small steps matter.

My next small step is hitting publish 🤷🏻‍♀️